In late 2003 I was at the end of my rope with my marriage. My wife at the time, Cruella, preferred to sleep, take long bathes, read books, and wanted plastic sex toys instead of her husband, Pooh, me. This had been going on for many years without an end in sight. We had 2 children together. She birthed them and I took care of them. During both pregnancies, she remark many times that she carried these babies to term but they were my responsibility until they were 18. The more she made this remark, the more serious I took it.
Ah, the children. When we married, there were 2 children already: one that was hers and one that was mine.
Kanga, my daughter and the oldest, had a lot of history. For example, I learned of her existence when she was 8 years old and in the custody of the court. So, I stepped up to the plate at 25 years old, took a blood test proving paternity, and gaining custody. Unfortunately, Kanga had lived a very hard life to this point and now she was thrown into the life with a man she didn't know. Her mother was into drugs very heavily and some prostitution. I can only imagine the turmoil Kanga experienced during the first 8 years of her life.
I worked to establish and build a relationship with Kanga but she was a very angry girl because of the sh*t she had lived through. She didn't know who to trust or who to talk to. I certainly wasn't the one she wanted to talk to or trust. Relentlessly, I continued trying and still work with that today.
Somehow through Kanga's life, she had learned independence and responsibility. I stayed involved with her education but that was minimal because she did her work without the requirement for me to hover over her. I also coached a couple of years of softball with her. Being an involved parent is important.
Tigger, my step-daughter, seemed to have little parental interaction with Cruella. Not because she didn't want it but because Cruella was simply disconnected. I accepted her, loved her as my daughter, raised her as my own, and treated her like my daughter. I had the same expectations of Tigger as I did of Kanga. However, Tigger didn't have any real structure or expectations. So, I deployed, or tried to deploy, structure and expectations.
Cruella was never very organized and did not offer structure to our family. There was a time when I tried asking her to help keep the house clean and neat. She balked. So, I narrowed it to asking her to keep her computer tidy. Her response was "you just want me to change" and she walked away without another word. This was very typical when I attempted to ask her about helping with something around the house not to mention being involved with the kids.
Cruella had pets: an big dog that was housed and chained outside, a rabbit that was kept caged in the garage, and a few cats. Sadly, one by one, the pets deminished. Cruella didn't care for the rabbit meaning she didn't feed and water this animal. During a hot summer, the rabbit died probably from malnutrition, dehydration, and extreme heat. The huge dog broke free and ran. We never saw him again. And, the cats one-by-one disappeared. She always wanted these pets but could never properly care for them.
Early in my marriage to Cruella, problems began to rise between Cruella and Kanga particularly as Kanga reached puberty and those early teenage years. Because Cruella was my wife, I wanted to and did support my wife believing her over my daughter. I trusted Cruella explicitly and mistakenly took Kanga's words with a grain of salt. To me everything looked like it was going well. That is to say that's what was presented to me by Cruella.
Sadly, things weren't exactly as they were presented. Cruella and Kanga butted heads far more often than I was lead to believe. Things finally boiled over between the 2 and a physical confrontation was the result initiated by Cruella with Kanga. Keep in mind, Cruella was pregnant with our unborn son. The resulting confrontation meant having to make a choice between Kanga and my pregnant wife. What a dreadful position to be in. I was absolutely devastated by having to make this choice. I love Kanga so much and had worked so hard with her over the few years I had her and I loved my wife and unborn son but had to choose between them.
After a couple of weeks of talking with extended family, my sister, the Fairy Godmother, it was decided to shift Kanga to the Fairy Godmothers home. I was absolutely distraught and emotionally torn. How the h*ll does a father get faced with making a decision to choose between his daughter and the pregnant wife. In any event, the proposed solution was the very best I could work out.
I couldn't understand then how these troubles between Kanga and Cruella were only now surfacing and how I didn't see it coming. Later I would learn that Cruella was just a b*tch to Kanga at every opportunity that I was absent from the home. I also learned that the expectations and structure I worked to implement with Tigger was also torn apart when I was away. Tigger was told by Cruella not to worry about what I said or asked of her. Cruella blindsided at every opportunity.
As a person at that time, I was a very easy going, laid back individual taking things as they came. Perhaps I was also niave to who I had married. The end of our marriage would surely give me clarity into the person I did marry.
Over the years married to Cruella, she sexually neglected me opting to lock herself in the bedroom with her pink box of vibrators. She embarrased me about this topic in front of my friends particularly when I asked for sex. I would never beg for it but did ask and she merely laughed about it.
Cruella was also emotionally neglectful and disconnected from me and the children. It was her world and her way and to h*ll with everbody else wanted or needed. Again, I didn't really see this for a long time. I wanted our marriage to work and that's what I strived for.
The first real red flag was my first affair 5 years into the marriage. I couldn't understand why I did it. I was absolutely baffled by behavior knowing that I took vows and commited myself to Cruella. for a couple of weeks following, it occured to me that I was truly being emotional neglected and abused as well as physically being neglected of the love and nurturing that I longed for. I wanted the touch of my wife but she refused. Somewhere at the end of our marriage, I figured we had a little less than 4 times a year over the last 10 years.
Despite the first affair, Cruella and I expected our 2nd child. A complete "whoops" didn'nt mean for that to happen. Knowing we were pregnant for the second, the responsibilities that came with it for me (after all I was responsible for this child again until they were 18), I discussed a vasectumy with Cruella and she became furious at my suggestion. Damn near enraged. I had to have her signature on the physicians consent form to get it completed and she did not want to do it. If she hadn't finally agreed, I was going to deny having a wife to have it completed. I was not going to have another child with this woman.
A year or 2 before the end of our marriage, we bought another house. A house that Cruella loved. I thought this might improve our relationship, marriage, and family life. That thought and desire was simply a shadow of lies to myself. Nothing changed. In fact, things got a little worse.
The day we moved into our new home, Cruella sent me and some back to hte old house to finish moving our belongings to the new home and did so, When I arrived at the new home, Cruella had been freakin sleeping. I was infuriated. It wasn't enough that she slept all the time but had to also sleep on the day we were moving.
Now, we have a new home, 2 small children (Roo and Eeyore) and a teenager, Tigger, and a wife that is bathing more, sleeping more, reading more, less sex, and less family activity. This was frustrating. I will say that Cruella did cook but didn't clean afterwards. Dishes would stay in the sink until those dishes were needed for another meal. At times, days later. I tried to handle some of this amongst taking care of the kids , doing laundry, yard work, trying to spend quality time with the kids, maintain my job, etc.
I was quickly coming to the end of my rope feeling used and abused, after almost 10 years. I wasn't able to do much for myself and needed to do something to help myself and care for myself. I joined the gym asking Cruella to assist with transporting the kids so I could workout twice a week. That was met with resistance from Cruella but ultimately, she finally agreed. Part of me felt guilty for this but I knew I had to do something healthy for me.
My feelings of neglext and abuse only grew with time. I was working out once or twice a week abd beginning to get mentally healthy again. Little did I know but there would be a lot more work to do on this front. In any event...............
August, 2004 I began to let Cruella know that I was very unhappy and didn't have anything left to give to the marriage. Not sure if she understood or wanted to understand. Probably didn't want to understand at this point.
6-8 weeks pass and suddenly Cruella finally gets the picture and demands that we suddenly spend some weekend time alone leaving the children with her parents. She's now suddenly suggesting that we spend a couple of weekends doing a marital counseling camp. This was a little to much, a little to late. Over the years, she hadn't wanted to do anything to listen to me, my feelings, my needs, my wants, my expectations. Whoops. I need to apologize here because first and foremost I wasn't supposed to have any expectations of Cruella.
I refused to do the weekend marital counseling but did agree to seeing a counselor with her hoping to find some help seperating as smoothly as possible for the kids. This niave idea went over like a fart in church. OMG !!! Cruella went absolutely bolistic when she finally realized the marriage was over. I had absolutely no idea what kind of woman I had married until this time.
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